-insert urgent, confused tone here- I don’t know...

-insert urgent, confused tone here- I don’t know why I feel the way I do sometimes, I really don’t. It’s not like I intend to have my mood shift so rapidly, it’s weird. I don’t like it at all. In fact, I hate it. I hate how my mood can change from good to bad in 2 seconds, but it takes an eternity for it to be good again. I’ve gotta fix that.

But you know what’s really annoying? Just hating so many things about myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t mind what I see. It’s not a big deal anymore, he’s convinced me I’m beautiful enough times. It’s that I’m selfish. It’s that I’m a bitch. Like, okay, see it this way. He’s practically perfect. That makes things difficult to me. It puts so much pressure on me to try and be perfect, although that (of course) is in no way his fault.

I love the way that when we’re having a little argument because of one of my mood swings, he forces me to look at him. He gets frustrated because I just look at something blank. I hate the way I bite back tears and that, in turn, forces me to go into that “numb feeling.” I’ve been having that feeling a lot lately, and I don’t know why. I hate that I feel this way.

I love the way that he always knows exactly what I’m feeling. I guess he can see it in my eyes or something. I love the way he knows what to say, even if it doesn’t fix my bad mood. Of course, he says something I don’t like sometimes. Of course, he uses a tone I really don’t like sometimes. He stills knows. I hate the way I never know what he’s feeling. I bet that half of the time, his tone is completely unintentional. I hate how I never know if he’s happy or sad. In love or not. I hate how I can never tell how much he loves me. Only when we’re kissing and cuddling…so what, a little bit every other day or so? I wish I knew what he was thinking all the time.

I love the way he’s patient. He’s perfect and he accepts me for my flaws, he treats me with respect. He treats me like I’m his queen. I hate how I feel like I’m not enough for him. I feel like if someone were to spend more than half an hour with us, they would wonder why he puts up with my shit. They would wonder why he stills loves me. I guess…I want us to be together for a long time, and I ~~think~~ know I’m going to ruin it. I’ll do something and he just won’t be able to take it anymore. Whether it’s the tears, the anger, the impatience, the stubbornness…I’m a walking imperfection.

I don’t know, whatever. No, it’s not whatever. He hates that word. What do you do when you want to fix something, but you don’t know how? Lately it can be really hard to talk to him because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to get fussed at, I don’t want to make him angry. Saturday may have been good because I’m not closing myself off to him…but it was also bad, for now I’m trying to shove my emotions under and it isn’t working. My brain and heart are failing to cooperate.

I think it’d be better to just talk to him and have an open relationship. I’m willing to change, I really want to. I just want to be a better person for him. I don’t like the person I am now.