I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life. The idea of only having four months left makes me sick to my stomach. Every time I remember him telling me over text, I’m crushed inside. I look around and I wonder why I have to deal with this, why. Why does his family have to go through this? I can’t stop looking up airfare and flight times and wondering if I’ll ever see him again. When he leaves, how long will it be? Weeks, months, years? Will I ever see him again?
They were so close. Just a few more months and everything could’ve been okay. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and cry. I thought I used to know what painful was. I thought all those times I was dumped, yelled at, punished…I thought that was bad. Nothing has ever been worse than this for me. I can’t handle the idea of this. I’ve never been so pained because of something.
I have to be there for him but it’s so hard. What if he can’t get a tourist visa? What if he can never come back to America until we’ve decided to get married? I can’t handle the uncertainty. Not knowing. Not knowing when I’ll see him again, not knowing if he has another year. Not knowing if we’ll be okay.
Why? I want to scream. I just want to cry and scream and curse. The uncertainty is making me insane.
- 4 months ago
I really don’t even know. I feel like half of the things I say are nonsense. I feel like I’m being all wise and saying something that makes sense, when really it comes out like a;dsjfa;ksdjf. I don’t know. I want to think I have all the answers, but I know I don’t. And sometimes I think I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The stress of our relationship is eating me away. It’s murdering me. I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel fine and like nothing is wrong. Like I can just continue living life. Until I think about it. As soon as I think about it, I feel as though I am literally a volcano about to explode. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh. I don’t know whether to dump you or spend the rest of my life with you.
Quite honestly, I am confused. I feel like I don’t know myself and I don’t know you. I feel like we’re in a rut, but at the same time we are sporadic and need to get our shit together. I feel like we’re so in love, but we’re also ready to tear each other’s throats out. And I just don’t know.
I feel immature and stupid. I feel like a weakling.
But out of all these things, I am scared. Because sometimes I just don’t know. Sometimes I am just confused. Sometimes, I actually want us to have a mature conversation where breaking up is an option. Because what if we aren’t meant for each other?
It’s something we need to talk about. (Don’t call me just yet though, get on facebook.)
I guess what I’m saying is I’m confused, scared, and sick of broken promises. I just want to talk.
And really talk.
- 7 months ago
I’m sitting here eating nerds and watching Toy Story 2 on a Sunday night. I should be doing my homework that’s due on Thursday. Of course, I’m not. But for once, I’m the one that’s at a loss for words. For once, I’m the one who doesn’t have a clue what to say. But I can try. Sometimes I think I need to…say things again.
Lately, things have been different. I understand why they say “mad in love” or “crazy for you” or things like that. I, quite literally, feel like I’m losing my freaking mind. In the best way possible. Every time I leave him, I feel empty. I feel like I’m going to go insane. This morning in church, every time he touched me I literally felt tingles. When he intertwined his fingers with mine, I felt a warm sensation run through my entire body. And it was beautiful that I felt this way. Whenever he looked at me, I couldn’t breathe.
Now, of course I’ve always felt this way. But like he says…I don’t really feel like I’ve truly expressed it until now. The only thing so much sillier is that I’ve always been good enough at expressing myself towards him. There’s another thing though.
Leo has always been much more level-headed than me. I’m impulsive, I don’t think about things. You know, I’ll always joke around with him. I can’t wait for our honeymoon, things like that, our wedding day…but those were all just sort of little fantasies of mine. I didn’t expect anything to come of them. Lately, I feel as though those fantasies might actually become a reality. I can actually legitimately see myself being with him forever. Holding his hand, kissing his cheek…
And then I think of college. But that’s a whole new story. A whole new fear of mine that, maybe, something will separate us. A big part of it is that I never thought it would be this easy to date him during school. Sure, I wish I could spend every moment of my time with him. Sure, I wish we weren’t at school. Sure, I wish we had more classes together or more classes close to each other. It’s difficult not being able to see him as much as I’d prefer. But we’re making it through. It’s still a breeze.
I would ask myself what’s different, what’s changed, silly things like that…but I know. Ever since he started expressing himself more, I can’t doubt him. I would never doubt that he doesn’t love me again. I would especially never doubt that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. He is love for me is unfaltering. When he looks at me with those eyes, I soar. When he kisses me, lately I…I could seriously, literally, never do anything dirty again if I could have his kisses. They’re so soft and tender and they make me feel weak. That’s why I don’t like standing while we kiss. That’s why I’m always like “Nooo, let’s sit down!” And he’ll think I’m fussing and being a baby, but I can’t stand up. I start feeling weak and I need to sit down.
I guess what I’m saying is that…my love for him is glorified right now. I want to lose myself in him and never wake up from the dream I’m living in. He is my everything. I’ve never even felt a fraction of what I feel towards him with anybody else. I’ve never cared about someone so much. I have never so selflessly wanted to give someone everything. I’d give him everything he wanted if I knew it could make him happy. All I want is his happiness.
…But lasting forever would be nice too.
- 9 months ago
I don’t like change. When your life’s finally exactly where you want it to be, you want things to stay the same. One good thing that came out of all my pain was lower expectations. That sounds bad…A lot of people want to have complicated futures. Make money, have kids, get married, retire early… I just want to be happy. I mean maybe I need some of those things to be happy…I dunno.
I’m ranting. There’s really nothing to write about.
I miss him all the time now.
At least he’s still mine.
Life is happy.
And beautiful.
And the world is at peace.
As long as he is mine.
(Source: oh-cute-couples)
- 9 months ago
- 251
dear leo….
please don’t speak spanish in bed
priscilla can’t take it lololol
(Source: whatmakesyouwet)
- 9 months ago
- 952
I’ve never felt so empty. When I woke up this morning, things were different. I’d never felt that way before. Last night, when I heard the words “say that one more time and it’s over”, I could literally feel something inside of me breaking. I don’t like being away from him. But I get scared. I get scared of losing him. I get scared of feeling a depression I’ve never known because he’s no longer in my life. At the same time, he’s right. I shouldn’t be asking “what if he hurts me?” or “what if this ends badly?” I know he loves me.
At the same time, I’m crazy. Sometimes I just need to hear how much he cares about me. I’m not doubting his feelings in any way. I know he loves me, I know he cares about me. But sometimes I need to hear those beautiful words, or read them, and it just reminds me…yes, he really loves me. Right now, a part of me still feels a little cold. I don’t like telling him when I want something. Is it selfish of me? Will he get angry at what I say? I want to have one day where we can be romantic and fully envelop ourselves in each other. I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to see the future and not think, but know that it’s an inevitabilty. To know that forever is waiting for us.
I don’t want to close myself off to him. I don’t want to feel alone and scared. I want to feel like he will always be by my side. I want to tell him everything all of the time. I want to throw myself over the edge and fall head-over-heels, no regrets, completely and absolutely in love with him. I’m so close but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how to cross the bridge that forces me to close myself off to him. We’ve come so far, I want to get to the furthest I can go…
After all, he opened up to me. Why shouldn’t I do the same? He’s right, it’s hard…it’s so hard. It’s hard to know that no matter what I say, he will love me regardless. I’m so busy doing so much to figure out what he wants that sometimes I forget what I want. I need him to be happy. I love him. I love him with everything that I’ve got. He’s so secure with this relationship, he knows I love him because I tell him all the time.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. I know he loves me with all of his heart. He gave me his heart. Every time he tells me not to break it, I feel a part of me shatter into a billion pieces. We’re one person and I want it to stay like that forever. I don’t want him to get upset by this, I don’t want him to think I’m crazy…I just want help. I wholeheartedly want him to help me open up and stop being a baby. You changed for me, Leo…now it’s my turn.
(Source: oh-cute-couples)
- 9 months ago
- 173
He’s gonna be really confused as to why I used this picture. The first thing I need him to know is that he’s the most beautiful thing ever created in my eyes. I see his face and I’m lost for words. There isn’t a single thing I don’t like about his face…wait, I lied. If those eyebrows decide to mate and become a unibrow, michelley will not be happy. Just like she wasn’t tonight with an unfinished job, no she was not! Especially priscilla, she was pissed.
Tonight, I decided I wanted to focus on a specific thing. Although I don’t think my mind will fully be able to remember all of the things I wanted to say. I wanted to describe all of the things that would go away if Leo were to no longer be in my life. In a way, I believe this describes all the ways he has impacted me. I think this describes all of the things that he has taken part with me in…and I know, they would go away if he did.
1. Jason’s Deli. This one is a no-brainer, I believe. This has slowly and inevitably become me and Leo’s place. One of many. This is the “I’m not in the mood for something as casual as sonic but we need lunch” kind of place. We’ve come here more times than I can remember. We even have a specific table…whenever that table is available, I want to sit there. I feel compelled to take those seats. One specific memory I have is when he told me about baseball…and how when that Venezuelan pitcher lost the chance at a perfect game, he and his dad threw a fit. I remember the look on his face as he described every detail with sheer excitement. I remember the moment we fought there. Our first fight…I wanted to cry in the restaurant, but my exhaustion prevented me from doing so. I have so many memories with him there…I can’t see myself going with anyone but him. And, unfortunately, cheer >___________<
2. Tomato Basil Soup & Grilled Cheese. This one is also a no-brainer. This is what I get every single time we go to Jason’s Deli. This is what I have eaten with him on numerous accounts. This is what he gets now, for he’s eaten it with me so many times. I wouldn’t be able to eat this anymore, it would remind me of all the time’s we’ve had together.
3. Sonic. Le duuurrr. When we were friends, we went here almost every day. After cheer, after tennis, it didn’t matter…every single freaking day. I mean wow, I always got the Large Diet coke with vanilla. And, oddly enough, he got a coke with vanilla. As if this wasn’t enough of a sign that we were so alike. I would probably be able to come here every now and then, but I would think of him. I would think of how we sat there on Saturday, May 14th and avoided the fact that we had just made out the night before. And we weren’t talking about it…I’ll always remember my sonic dates with him. Those were the best moments of sophomore year for me.
4. The tennis courts by my house. I will forever remember that day at the park. It was the first deep conversation we’d had that didn’t revolve around Brandon. It was the first day that I wondered “could I start liking this guy…” It’s now that I know why. I had never had a conversation like that with a guy before. I don’t think he understands that the most intimate conversation I’ve ever had with a guy has been a fight. Now that I think about it, I’m right. I don’t have intimate conversations with anyone but Caitlin and a few other girls. I don’t talk to guys like I talk to him. A day like that has never happened to me before, and it was a nice change. Every time I would go there and see the park bench we sat on, or remember when we sprayed each other with the hose…I would remember how much I love him. That day we sprayed each other with a hose was a great day, especially because we were still….just….friends….
5. City Centre. Brio is my place with him. Red Mango is my place with him. I will always remember having him chase after me just to hug and kiss me. I will always remember walking around in the parking lot and seeing his face when I said “Can we walk around a few more times.” I will always remember us talking, me comforting him when he’s upset…I’ll remember how much I love him, and I’ll want nothing more than to keep it that way. City Centre has Leo written all over it.
6. Office Depot. He isn’t aware of this one yet. We’re going to go to Office Depot and have an adventure. He’s going to help me find my school supplies. I know, at some point, he will pull me off to the side and kiss me. He’ll look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. I know, at some point, he’ll grab ahold of me and tell me how beautiful I am. I know, at some point, we’re going to laugh and giggle like kindergarteners. I know, at some point, he’s going to push me while I hold onto the basket and I’ll wonder…is this what heaven feels like?
7. Ace Hardware. Yes, this one’s a little weird. I won’t be able to go to Ace hardware again because I will always remember the 2nd Tuesday we were dating. I needed grout for my gold award project, and I drove at the speed of light just so I could see him for 10 minutes. That’s literally all it was. But I had to see him. I had to see him, even if it was only for a little while. I’ll remember how “beautiful” I was in my purple romper that I’d gotten that day. I’ll remember the look in his eyes as we ran around. I’ll remember feeling like it was summer, and falling more in love with him by the second.
8. My Ipod. I don’t think he understands how many of the songs on my ipod are associated with him. Almost all of them have some sort of memory of us attached to it. It’s because I love him that all of these songs have the connotation of “Leo.” The mixed tape I have in my car would be broken in half because all of those songs are forever devoted to him. Unfortunately, even dark blue has almost become attached to him. I’ve considered paying the DJ at homecoming $20 to play “For the First Time.” I want to slow dance with him to that song. Even if it’s not at the actual dance, that’s all I want. I want one slow dance with him to that song.
9. My car. He’s getting antsy, so I have to wrap this up…I wouldn’t be able to drive around in my car for a long time. I’ll remember all the laughs I’ve had with him in that car. One reason I know it’s love is because we laugh together. I’ve never laughed with a boy before. I’ve never been able to joke around. Sure, I’m the one who’s been in more relationships. But in a way, this is my first one. This is the first relationship where I really, legitimately care about someone. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’ve never cared so much. I wouldn’t be able to hold hands or kiss in my car, I wouldn’t…I couldn’t. The car isn’t even mine anymore, it’s practically mine and Leo’s. I’ve had that car for 9 months. 5 of them have been devoted to memories with him. So over %50 of the memories I have with this car include him.
He’s my happiness…he’s my everything. I don’t know what I would do without him. I really don’t.
- 9 months ago
Sometimes I’m lost for words…like tonight. This might be a short post because I don’t know how to find the words. I just love this guy so much. The little things aren’t even a big deal to me lately because I’m so focused on loving him to the best of my ability. I’m so focused on giving him everything that he wants. I feel…so content and complete. I know I’ve said it before, but the past few days have probably been the best I’ve felt throughout most of the relationship. Almost every single day has been good, there have only been a few that legitimately weren’t. But the past few days, I’ve been floating on air. I just love him so much.
I don’t think he understands how different he is. Yeah, he’s dated someone for a long time. He’s hooked up with a few girls. I’ve dated 3 guys, had a thing with a few guys, hooked up a few times…none of those can compare even in the slightest to how I feel towards him. If I were to try and draw a simile…it would be something like this. If the feelings I’ve experienced in the past could be compared to the heat radiating from a lightbulb…Leo would be the sun. I never knew I could need someone this much. I never knew this kind of feeling could exist.
There are times when I think to myself that I shouldn’t open up so much, that I shouldn’t be so openly myself. Things have changed, however. Ever since a couple of nights ago, when he told me I have his heart completely…I’ve been able to do it involuntarily. I don’t even think about it anymore. I do what I want, I say what I want, for I know he’ll love me either way. It’s nice to hear how much the other person cares about you. It’s nice to know that they fully confide in you, that they’re taking a risk as well. They’re risking pain too, they’re risking losing everything just to be with me.
I would give up every single thing I own in order to be with him for an hour. I would waste a tank of gas to see him for 5 minutes. It’s so worth it. I can’t live without him again, I can’t. I went through Europe, I went through all the pain of loneliness for so long. If I had known throughout those 3 years of depression that I was going to feel this way, I would’ve known it was worth it. I would’ve waited for this moment to happen. Every single bit of pain I have ever experienced is worth having him in my life.
Which is why I get so upset when Brad claims I don’t know what I’m feeling. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is. I don’t know how it’s possible to feel this way and not call it love. I don’t know how it’s possible to want to give someone everything I can give, even if its my own life and happiness…how can that be called a “simple crush?” It’s stupid is what it is. The person I marry will be just like Leo. Lately, I sincerely hope it is Leo. I want to spend the rest of my life married to the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life feeling this insane blissfulness all because he’s by my side.
I wish he could word things like I do, I wish the words could just flow easily from his mouth or hands. It’s the easiest way to express my feelings, and he’s bad at expressing his. Sometimes it’d be nice to know how he feels…I’m afraid that something is going to attempt to ruin our relationship. Knirk will, without a doubt. The whole world knows it. I get really paranoid that Matt’s hatred for me will get in the way, and he will inevitably try to convince Leo to break up with me. I’m afraid sex could end up being a factor…but that’s the one I’m least worried about.
I could never break up with him. Who knows? Maybe in a year or two I’ll feel differently. But all I know is that right now…a life without him is not a life worth living. I would rather live in complete darkness with him near me than in complete sunlight with him gone. I need him in my life. I need the jokes, I need the laughter. I need him to always be near me because I can barely go twelve hours without seeing him. I get so depressed. My parents have started to understand that I need to spend every free minute I have with him, for I love him so much.
I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been so scared of the ending. I love him, I want to know how our story ends.
Wait
No.
Fuck that.
I don’t want our story to end. He’s my favorite person in this entire world. These past four months have been the best months of my entire life. I could have never asked for a better friend than the one I have in my arms every day. I love him so much. The love I have for him brings tears to my eyes, as cheesy as it sounds…I’ve just never even come close to feeling this way before.
(Source: oh-cute-couples)
- 9 months ago
- 323
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY
I just watched a short-film called “Strangers, again.” And it made me scared. It talks about how the beginning of the relationship is the most exciting part. How you reach the “honeymoon phase” before things begin to wind down. It began to make me think of Leo and I’s relationship. The narrator talks about how he had never seen a girl more perfect, and how no one had ever meant so much to him. How the moments they had together…he wouldn’t change them for anything in the world.
It reminds me of us. I believe we’re still in the honeymoon phase, I think we will be for a while. But I think Stage 3 is winding down for us. The narrator says that stage 4 is “Comfortable” and it’s when the couple begins to be completely, wholeheartedly themselves with each other. Some people take this as a bad thing, and others use it as good in order to make their relationship grow. I really hope we go with the second.
I don’t want us to reach Stage 5-7, those stages seem awful. I’m so afraid that one day, we’ll start fighting all the time. Sure, our love may never fade…but does it mean we will always be right for each other?
I really, really hope so. I want him to be mine for a long time. In the video, they also say that the seven stages can last as short as a few months to as long as a few years. The couple in this video had been together a year and a half. I’m scared that one day we’ll be this couple. Then again, we started out as friends. Most couples don’t.
Last night, I felt so blissfully happy. I haven’t felt so safe in his arms for a while now. Sometimes I’m comfortable, sometimes I’m happy…but last night I felt it more. I felt so attached to him, and I could see how much he loved me. He showed it in his eyes, and I just wanted to be with him forever. It’s like…forever is a strong word, but I wouldn’t mind spending it by his side.
Also, when he left last night…it was the first time he had ever left and I knew “He’s still going to love me in the morning. I’m going to see him tomorrow.” For my side of this relationship, this is a huge step. I look at him and see my best friend, the love of my life. I want to make it with him and be as happy as we are now. I can’t wait to spend months to come with him. After all, Brad only had one girlfriend before he met his soulmate. What if I met mine? Who knows…
All I know right now is that I am so in love with this guy, he’s on my mind all the time.
- 9 months ago
- 40865
